Bearing

My life was changed in such a huge and miraculous way in 2023. Becoming a mother has taught me so many lessons about life and about the love our Heavenly Parents have for each of us. I wanted to title this blog post “bearing” because we are all bearers in one way or another. To bear means to support or carry. I had the opportunity to bear a child this last year, but we are all bearers. We bear our own burdens, we bear one another’s burdens, we can be bearers of light and of good news. We can bear testimony, bear witness, bear record, bear fruit, bear weight, bear the name of Christ. I know that God is in the details of our bearing, whatever that looks like, and that He and Christ bear with us along the way. I want to share some of the lessons I learned in this season of bearing. 

Finding the Light

When Teddy was a newborn, he was always drawn to light. If there was just one window letting light in or one light on in a dark room, he would find it. In the ups and downs of those first months, getting by on such little sleep and learning so many new things, it would always calm me to see him finding the light and it reminded me to do the same. 

Teddy had a particularly hard time on a Saturday around 6 weeks after he was born. Rob and I were pretty bummed since it was a day where we both got to be home with him and it was just really hard. We were even joking that it was a “Sad-urday” for Teddy because he was so fussy and sad. The following day, I wrote this note in my phone, “We’ll have bad days sometimes and that’s okay, sometimes the bad day will be a Saturday and that’s okay too. When I looked back at my camera roll at 4 AM today after such a hard Saturday, I had videos of two times in the day where Rob was making Teddy smile. There are always brighter moments even in the hard. We have to work to recognize them sometimes.”

Rob’s grandma passed away less than a week after Teddy was born. Rob’s cousin had her first baby a few months before us, and Grandma Carol had said that even though she felt ready to graduate from this life, she wanted to hang on until they each had their first baby. She was almost 95 and truly such a wonderful woman and example. Her and Grandpa Bob had visitors from the family often, so she was always caught up on what all the grandchildren and great grandchildren were up to and would remember all of the smallest details about your life and ask about them. We took Teddy up to meet her 4 days after he was born. She wasn’t doing well and wasn’t really able to interact with us, but we could feel that she had met him. She passed away the next morning. It was such a sad, but also sweet thing that she had been with us just long enough to meet our little guy. At her funeral, I learned that she loved sunflowers. Sunflowers always face the light. Grandma Carol showed me how to find the light more in my life by genuinely caring and listening and asking about those around me. Coincidentally, we had had a random group of sunflowers pop up in our side yard that very month, which reminded me of this often. 

A Different December

This past December, I experienced less of the joy of Christmas and learned more about the hardship. The Christmas story is at its root about a mother, a father and their baby boy doing a hard thing, and I felt like we got a glimpse of that this year. As prepared as I could be and they could be, there were things out of our control that happened.

I did my shopping early so I’d be done by December 1st. I wanted to really focus on Christ this Christmas season. Instead, we had a wave of two different sicknesses, a cold and the flu, that somehow missed me, but both hit Teddy and Rob. We missed all of our Christmas parties leading up to the holiday, and I found myself up in the middle of the night trying to rock my sick baby to sleep, with gifts ungifted, memories unmade, and traditions missed. I was reminded that Christ missed out on plenty to save the world. I spent most of my December sacrificing both mind and body for my boys, sleeping less, tending to needs, worrying and anxious. It wasn’t all parties and magic and carefree glee, it was hard, it was tiring. At times I felt overwhelmed, discouraged, and inadequate, and I felt the weight of being the sole watchman for both Teddy and Rob while they were sick. I was reminded that Christ gave the gift of His whole self and bore the weight of all of us. I had the thought that maybe this Christmas season I needed to learn more of the sacrifice and less of the pure joy. Mary and Joseph sacrificed a lot to get to the birth of Christ that we celebrate today, and Christ gave everything for us.

Angels Round About Us

I found myself up in the middle of the night with my month old baby, trying everything to comfort him and help him fall back asleep. I prayed out loud and asked for help. By the time I finished my desperate plea to my Heavenly Father, my baby was asleep in my arms and I felt as though angels had been there calming my precious baby and helping him to fall asleep again. I was reminded of D&C 84:88 where He says He will send His angels round about us, to bear us up.

I was also blessed several times by angels on our side of the veil: bonding with two young moms in the church hallway on a week I had prayed for friends, a friend texting me to check in as I was crying to Rob telling him how discouraged I felt, a friend welcoming me with a hug and ice cream on a hard night, a friend coming over and holding Teddy while I took a nap, my Mom calling daily to see how we are doing. I could go on and on. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I learned that it also takes a village for the moms. I had no idea the difference that all of these seemingly small things could make, and I will be a much better friend after being the recipient of such angelic and selfless care.

I Am a Child of God

I am learning more and more of God’s perfect, unwavering love for me in how much I love little Teddy. I love him so much it feels like my heart could burst sometimes. He is the sweetest thing in the whole world to me. I often check to make sure he is breathing as he sleeps. I am aware of his movements and his breaths. He is on my mind constantly. He’s the last thing I think about before I fall asleep and the first thing that wakes me in the morning. And God cares about me even more. We are constantly on His mind. Teddy’s heart used to beat in me and I provided him everything directly. Now as I hold him, he beats on me, on his own, with me watching, nourishing, giving from the outside, holding him close, but we are separate. I think this has some parallels to our Heavenly Father, watching and nourishing us as we take our own journey here on earth. One day I was thinking that I spent my whole day feeding, changing, pumping, like it was all that I did anymore. And then it hit me that Heavenly Father spends all of His time feeding me, changing me, providing for me. These things are actually in small ways helping me become more like God. 

When he was little, he would often want to touch your skin with his hand when he would sleep in your arms. He was comforted by a closer, real connection. We, too, will be comforted more in our lives by a closer, real connection to our Heavenly Father. 

When he was tiny, Teddy would smack his lips and start getting upset wanting more of his bottle while we were burping him. He would act so urgently searching for food each time, when every time we give him more until he’s full. Every time, around 7 times a day. Do we do this sometimes? God has never let us down, never, yet we still go searching, worrying for that next serving of milk. We need to trust that He is going to feed us. 

Sometimes patience would be required to get his burps to come out and he’d be so upset. I found myself telling him things like:  This is just part of it. I’m doing this because I love you. You’re impatient now, but it will keep you from hurting more later. I know it’s so hard to wait. It’s okay to be sad. I could almost picture my Heavenly Father saying similar things to me while going through a hard time. 

Teddy equally dislikes getting his snot sucked out and getting saline drops squirted up into his nose. He cries so hard, but these things, although uncomfortable, help him so much. 

Sometimes we have to go through hard things for our ultimate benefit, but we have been promised that God shall wipe away all tears from our eyes (Revelations 21:4) , and that Christ will not leave us comfortless (John 14:18).

The amazing thing about our Heavenly Father is that He wants to hold us when we’re happy and when we’re sad. I’d sometimes feel frustrated that I would pick Teddy up and hold him and his crying wouldn’t change. He was just as upset in my arms as he was on his own. But our Heavenly Father doesn’t feel like this. Just as I want to be the one to hold Teddy when he cries, our Father wants to hold us when we cry. 

As I began to revisit Primary songs as I would sing Teddy to sleep, many of them took on a whole new meaning for me and several brought me to tears. One line stood out in particular: I am a Child of God and so my needs are great. I thought of little Teddy with us caring for his every need and then I also thought about myself as a Child of God, with needs so great. It’s part of who we are to need Him. Heavenly Father is aware of all of our needs and He is even caring for some without us knowing. 

The Valleys

This was the best heading I could think of for just hard times and hard things. Some days you feel like you’ve got it, and other days it feels so hard. These are some lessons from the valleys. 

I found the first trimester to be so interesting. People asking, “What’s new?” and you say, “Oh nothing” when everything is new. You want to say, “Oh, I’m growing a tiny human right now”, but you’re not telling anyone yet, so you just go about your regular life as if nothing is going on, when really you’re nauseous, tired, anxious. It’s crazy. I remember thinking how women everywhere are just doing this. It reminded me how we truly never know what someone might be going through. 

My family has an annual tradition to go snowmobiling up near Strawberry. I was around 5 months pregnant and honestly didn’t think riding on the back of a snowmobile would be much different than all the jumping I was doing each week teaching High Fitness. Boy was I wrong. The paths seemed especially bumpy this time around, and my stomach muscles would ache with each bump to the point that I eventually started crying, quiet tears rolling down my cheeks. It was hard to anticipate and brace myself for each bump, and we were far from the lodge by the time we really started to hit the bumpier terrain. I was crying, and then as I thought about what was happening, I began laughing about me crying on the snowmobile. There will be times where we cry, but I think laughing through the tears can lighten them a little.

Even after months of being a mom, I found myself making mistakes and still do. I found myself actually crying over spilled milk. A week after Teddy was born, I leaned over too far when I was done pumping and the milk spilled out all over me and the couch. I was devastated that my precious milk had been lost. The second time it happened, I could laugh it off a little, but it still made me so frustrated and bummed. They say not to cry over spilled milk, but sometimes you need to for a minute before moving on, and I think that’s okay. 

I was really planning on getting back to exercise and teaching High Fitness after my 6 week postpartum check up. I had seen other instructors do this, and I had been active throughout my pregnancy, so I assumed that I could do the same. I quickly realized that my core was not ready for that at all. I was so disappointed that I didn’t bounce right back and get right back to my hobbies, but I had had a baby! I beat myself up about not doing more for my pelvic floor. I felt like I was missing out on so much by not being there for my classes and events, but I realized that what I wasn’t missing out on was Teddy and these precious first few months of his life. At the time, I heard this in a video of David A. Bednar quoting Robert D. Hales, “When you can’t do what you’ve always done, then you only do what matters most.” 

In recent years, I had already had to make recoveries from achilles tendonitis and a broken ankle, and so I had the thought, “I”m sick of making comebacks.” The immediate reply in my mind was, “Isn’t that what life is all about?”. We are all trying to make the ultimate comeback, to go back to live in the presence of our Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ forever. 

I want to talk a little bit about tummy time. At times it can be so hard and uncomfortable for the baby, but it is required for them to build the strength they will need for later. Sometimes Teddy would be so upset about it and would just cry when he knew how to roll over and had done it many times. But, he would get so upset, putting all of his energy and effort toward crying instead of rolling over, that he couldn’t do it or wouldn’t do it, but then other times he’d roll 4 times in a row while happy and calm. I think sometimes we need to put less energy into crying and more into rolling over. 

It was really hard to find the right balance between being an engineer and being a new mom. I worked from home twice a week and sometimes those days were amazing and sometimes it was really hard to try to be both things at the same time. Some days in the office were really hard too, missing my baby and wondering if I was in the right place. On one of those very hard days, I read this quote on Instagram, “Never quit on a bad day.” I think that’s good advice for anyone. Let your head be clear and emotions calm and have a good, normal day before making a big decision. I told myself this many times as I made adjustments with work and home. Give yourself the benefit and confidence of knowing that you quit or cut back on a day where you felt peace. When thinking about cutting back on hours and eventually quitting, I had the thought, “I’m doing important work here, but it’s important work that someone else can do.”  To be Teddy’s mom, that is work that only I can do, and I feel so blessed to have that title. 

My appreciation and awe of moms everywhere has grown so much since becoming a mother. I had no idea what women were experiencing through pregnancy, childbirth, and recovery and in taking care of a newborn baby. I remember thinking, “I could never understand it if I had not experienced it for myself”. And that is why we have to go through certain things here on earth. We could never understand it as a bystander, even as a sister or a close friend to someone experiencing it, not even close, we need to experience things for ourselves to have the learning and growth that we need. And the Lord can help us and strengthen us through them as He did Alma and his brethren in the Book of Mosiah: “the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:15).

My niece, 3 at the time, was so excited to go with my dad to a ward barbecue in the mountains. They told me that while they were there, Leni kept saying that she wanted to go to the mountains. She had seen them from far away, but once experiencing them, she didn’t recognize them. I couldn’t help but think about how that can be applied to our lives. We might feel like we’re completely in a valley, when, with a new perspective, we might find that we’re in the mountains after all. 

A Fruitful Load

I had the thought as my belly was growing and my body was changing that this was a load that my body had never carried before. I was so proud of my body for getting stronger and stronger each week as I gained weight and the proportions of that weight shifted around. I was carrying a new load - new weight and weight in a different place. I remember thinking that I was carrying a fruitful load. The loads that we carry in life can be fruitful loads. A tree carries the weight of bearing fruit, a fruitful load. The load for me was a sign of my baby growing and the same is true in our lives. Loads strengthen us and help us to grow. And just like bearing a child, we have to have the loads to have the blessings. 

He Sent His Son 

It was the first day that I had to take Teddy to my mom while I went back to work. I slept through my alarm and felt so overwhelmed getting everything packed for him and for me. After dropping him off, while driving to work, I started to cry. It was so hard to leave Teddy, even though I knew I was leaving him in good hands. Then I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for the experience because I felt that Heavenly Father felt the same sending Teddy to me. It was hard for Him to send Teddy, even though He knew he’d be in good hands. I felt closer to Heavenly Father because of this experience and feel a great responsibility to be good hands for little Teddy. 

Teddy has been sick a handful of times since being born and every time it makes me so sad to see him suffering and I wish that I could just have the sickness and take it away from him. Seeing him sick and hurting has made me cry on more than one occasion. When I think that our Heavenly Father gave His Only Begotten Son for me, there are no words that can truly describe how I feel. Now that I have a son of my own, I stand in complete awe of the sacrifice that Heavenly Father made for all of us when He sent Christ to live and suffer and die for all of us. I would do anything for my son, and having to send him to suffer and die is something I can’t even comprehend. I can’t even begin to understand the kind of love that took. 

The Bearer of All Things

Our Savior is the bearer of all things. From the scriptures, He has born our sorrows and carried our griefs. He bore the cross, the shame of the world, our sins and our transgressions and our iniquities. He descended below all things. And I love the line in How Great Thou Art, “my burdens gladly bearing”. He gladly bore all things for each of us. And He gave the promise that if we take His yoke upon us and learn of Him, we shall find rest unto our souls (Matthew 11:29). I feel so grateful that I was able to carry Teddy, but I feel even more grateful that Christ carries me. And that He will forever. What we cannot bear alone, He carries. He said, “And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours” (D&C 78:18).