23 and Single - Finding Purpose Now

I’ve felt prompted to write this for some time now, so hopefully this helps someone somehow. I’ve come across different articles about similar topics but it seems like it’s always the person looking back at this stage of life and saying how it was all worth it because in the end they found their match, but honestly those don’t really help me because I don’t know if or when that might happen for me. I think it’s more helpful to hear from someone who’s currently where I’m at. So here I am.

You don’t ever imagine that you might serve a mission, graduate from college, and still be single or that you might fall in love with someone and not marry them. This is a somewhat unexpected stage of life, sometimes a constant rollercoaster of hope and doubt, but it’s not a bad place to be. There are a lot of us here. You are definitely not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you for being here. Most of us are not here from a lack of dating or effort or trying. It’s not because we’re weird or not dateable or any of the other ridiculous lies the adversary might tell us. I know so many amazing people who are doing exactly what you and I are doing – working, trying, pushing forward, praying for patience, and sometimes wondering how we’re progressing and what our purpose is.

For some of you this stage might be hard because you’ve been in love before and your heart is painfully aware of the absence of that feeling and longs for it again. Maybe your heart is still healing and you wonder if it’s possible to feel that way again. Some of you have never experienced love and maybe you’re fighting to believe that it’s even real or could be real for you, because I know I did. These things are real and it’s not easy. If you’re struggling with possible regret, looking back at past relationships and opportunities and wondering if you maybe said too much or didn’t say enough or made the wrong choice, I feel inspired to tell you to stop. God cares about our hearts. He cares about you. He has a greater plan than we can imagine and you are in His hands.

I’ve come up with some things that helped me throughout my last semesters of college and through the last 7 months as I have transitioned into full-time work. It’s in no way comprehensive and not everything will apply to everyone but hopefully this will give some kind of inspiration to you.

The Dinner is in Progress
I heard this analogy once in a talk or something so I’m not sure who to give the credit to, but I loved it. Think of a mom who’s standing in front of the stove cooking dinner and their child comes up and asks, “When are we having dinner?” and the mom thinks, “I’m working on it, I’m literally in the middle of making it right now.” Sometimes we are like this with our Heavenly Father. We ask Him when things are going to happen in our lives when He is literally in the middle of making them happen for us. He hasn’t forgotten about us. It’s in progress, we just need to be patient. When you’re frustrated over things you can’t control, remember who’s in all control. God is the Master Planner.

Stop Planning Your Life & Happiness Around an Unknown Future
We need to be careful that we aren’t setting boundaries for our lives and our happiness. I’ve heard of people who are afraid to commit to a study abroad or to a trip in case they might be dating someone or they’re afraid to miss out on dating opportunities while they’re gone. That’s crazy! Go out and live your life. And while you’re in the process, stop worrying about what other people think. Go and do things that you can never do again. I’ve also occasionally found myself thinking things like, “As long as I’m married by age __, then I’ll be okay”, but we can’t set expectations and limits like that. We will most often end up feeling discouraged.

Record the Tender Mercies
This is a practice that I’ve done at different times in my life and I always wonder why I don’t stick with it longer because it makes a huge difference. It doesn’t have to be anything big – simply write down one tender mercy every day, one small miracle that made a difference to you. Most days you will think of several, and if you want you can write them all down, but I usually just pick the most significant and record it. It’s a big reminder to me that if God is doing all these small things for me every day, surely He is also taking care of the big things.

What Makes You Happy?
I was talking to a friend once and she relayed some advice that someone had given her and it’s as simple as this, think about the things that truly make you happy and do them. The first things that came to mind for me were nature and traveling. I had some friends going to Capitol Reef that coming weekend so I dropped my other plans and went. I love to be outside – to hike, to camp, to adventure, and to explore new places. These things make me feel alive and happy. So what are those things for you? Do them more.

What are You Learning that You Couldn’t Learn Any Other Way?
This is important and so easy to miss. It would do us a lot of good to stop and think about what God is teaching us in this stage of our lives. There are specific lessons that He is teaching you right now, but if you are just trying to get through it and not giving the Spirit opportunity to teach you, you can easily miss it.

I remember my hardest area in my mission – I had knocked on more doors than any other area and we weren’t teaching anyone. I remember being confused and wondering if maybe I just didn’t have enough faith. I remember praying and pleading with God with things like, “Here I am, giving all of my time for this. Please let me do Thy will. Isn’t my purpose to find people and teach them the Gospel? Why not use me when this is the only thing I want to do right now?” Anyone who has served a mission can probably relate, but aren’t those the times that you learned the most? Surely that was not wasted time. I’ve recognized similar thoughts in my mind during this stage of life, “Here I am, wanting to move forward and progress. I’ve served a mission, I got my degree, and I’m working in my field. What more can I do? Why not use me to accomplish Thy purposes?” And I think the answer is the same – He’s teaching me things that I couldn’t be learning any other way. What is He teaching you?

I also strongly believe that these lessons are helping us to help others. We can find great happiness in shifting the focus from ourselves to lifting others. We can be instruments in God's hands here. At that same difficult time on my mission I remember expressing my concerns to my mission president’s wife and she responded with this, “You know what Sister Erickson? We can always serve.” That was not the response I was expecting, but it worked miracles. We volunteered at a local food bank and began seeking out service opportunities and it changed everything. It’s easy to get consumed in our own needs and wants, but loving others better will help us find greater purpose.

Nourish Your Body and Spirit
This seems like an obvious one, but it’s crazy how fast we can lose sight of the little things. We need to take care of ourselves. It can be easy to slack on the daily spiritual things when we feel like God has kind of abandoned us. Don’t give in to this. There’s an analogy that I heard once that I’ll never forget. We can compare our spiritual nourishment to brushing our teeth. Would it do much good to only brush your teeth once a week for an hour? Of course not. We need consistent, daily practices to achieve the results, not just random bursts of spiritual growth. So nourish your spirit every day. I think one thing that is frustrating about the process of finding an eternal companion is that there is no recipe or set of steps that will absolutely lead to success. It’s something we can’t control. But, we do know the steps that will absolutely lead to spiritual growth. This is an opportunity to prove to our Savior and our Heavenly Father that we will stay the course even when we aren’t where we want to be.

Most of us hate the word goals, but seriously setting some goals can make a huge difference in your morale and overall well-being. One thing that I love is running. I’m currently on a training schedule and getting out the door and running frequently has made me more confident and strong. One thing that really helps me spiritually is trying to be in the temple often. I am able to receive perspective there that always reminds me that God has a plan for me. These are just some of my examples, but come up with some things that will give you a sense of accomplishment and self-improvement. It could be reading a book or learning a new song on the guitar or working to develop a specific Christlike attribute, whatever it is that allows you to feel progression. It makes a big difference.

Allow Yourself Time to Feel and to Heal
In all of this, I also want to say that you shouldn’t be afraid to cry. It’s alright to know that it’s going to be okay, but to not be okay in the moment. Sometimes I wonder how much my heart can take, like how many times can a relationship start with so much potential and be a complete let down? Sometimes I feel so discouraged that I don’t want to try again. Every time I become more guarded and less hopeful. But the beautiful thing is that it’s okay to be broken. That’s what the Atonement is for after all, isn’t it? Christ’s understanding covers any level of discouragement, frustration, pain, heartbreak, bitterness, darkness, and loneliness. It covers EVERYTHING you are feeling. He can help us overcome our weaknesses, develop faith, and break down barriers. He has the power to heal us. Take this opportunity to get to know Christ better. Let yourself feel these things and let Christ heal you.

We Need Rain and Sunshine
Last week when I went to leave a friend’s house, we were shocked to see that it was pouring rain outside. It was a sunny summer evening without any signs of a storm. As we watched the rain pouring down hard through the bright sunlight the thought came to me that it was kind of representative of my life. Rain has been beating down on me pretty hard, but there is a whole lot of sunlight that it’s coming through. Sunlight and rain can co-exist. Just because we are getting beaten down upon by rain doesn’t mean that the sky is dark and dreary. Both rain and sunlight are required for our growth. There is so much good in all of this.

I think of the Brother of Jared and his people as they crossed the ocean through mountain waves and tempests. They were always brought to the surface when they cried unto the Lord and “the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters” (Ether 6: 6-8). I believe that the winds of this stage of life are also blowing us towards the promised land. Please know that you are not alone. We are climbing mountains and with the right perspective we will discover the glorious views that God has prepared for us.